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mainecoonpeg
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« on: May 16, 2008, 11:05:36 PM » |
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There was a group of 5 women, of which I was one. We all worked in various medical offices all in the same big professional building. I have 2 jobs. My full time is as an oral surgical assistant. My second is part time doing insurance claims for a radiologist.
Anyway the 5 of us from the big professional building, would usually gather once a month and go out for an inexpensive dinner, minus the spouses. I wouldn't say we were best friends, but we all got along well and rallied around one another when need be.
The dinner for December was cancelled and so was the January one which was fine with me because I was "selfishly wrapped up in caring for just a cat." This was a comment made by one of the women. February came along, no dinner then March, no dinner,then April no dinner and then May 9th. May 9th I ran into a co worker of one of the women that I dined with, we'll call her Kat. Kat's co worker asked me why I did not attend Kat's wake and funeral..........I damn near fell over. Kat died on March 13th.
Apparently the others knew all about Kat's diagnosis, surgery, chemo. Kat had told me she was going to spend some time at her newly purchased condo in Florida......I had called her there a few times, but all I ever got was an answer machine. I sent emails to her at home and at work and all went unanswered. It seems that Kat did not want me to know what was wrong with her. Mind you, I was the one who always was the driver when she had doctor's appointments or needed to be picked up from the airport or just chauffered in general. The other 3 never said a word to me and resumed the monthly dining out among themselves. I did find out that Kat did not want me told because "I was so bent out of shape over Gizmo and his illness/death." Very sad and upset about Gizmo, but certainly not "bent". Kat has a poodle.
I realize this is not all about me......but I was just so hurt and confused. All sorts of people that I really don't know that well keep coming up and asking me why I "snubbed her death". I have hardly slept and stayed up many nights trying to figure out what this is all about. My DH told me to confront the other 3, but I really don't want a confrontation and when they see me in the building, they turn the other way.
That's my story. I hope you all forgive me. I did not forget you and included all the well and unwell furkids in my prayers and even the humans who needed prayers. I did a lot of soul searching too and can't come up with where I went wrong.
I have an update on Rufus.....a pretty okay one.
An issue with Edgar Winter.
And an issue with my little girl Rikers
Stay tuned.........and again, I am sorry.............Peg
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If cats could talk......They wouldn't
Tortie cats are like Almond Joys........Very sweet and a little nuts
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lesliek
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« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2008, 11:31:46 PM » |
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Peg- Maybe she didn't want to give you another reason to worry out of concern for you. Doesn't explain why the others are acting this way or didn't make sure you knew what had happened though. I think you will have to ask them if you want to know why. Sounds like Kat was trying to be a good friend and maybe the others aren't as good as they had seemed. I don't think you went wrong anywhere. Try not to beat yourself up over something you had no control over.It sounds to me like you were there for her when you knew she needed help. Sending hugs your way!
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"the world's most inept extortionist"
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petslave
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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2008, 11:49:03 PM » |
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Wow, what a rough spot you're going through. It sounds like you did all the right things - how were you to know what was happening unless someone told you?
Seems like the best thing to do is just be outright honest to everyone that asks - I wasn't told, I don't know why, this really hurts because I would have liked to be there for her, and to have gone to her funeral. Maybe then people will start to see that you were treated unfairly in this. Sorry you had to go through all this. It would upset me to be in that situation too.
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Fizzy1
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« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2008, 12:05:30 AM » |
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Thank you for sharing with us. I was so worried that something here had upset you enough to stay away. I'm glad that's not the reason, but I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I don't know why people act the way they do sometimes!
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Klondike
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« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2008, 12:06:19 AM » |
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Sorry to hear about all this! One thing I know about cancer is that the metabolic effects can affect brain chemistry, (or of course, it can actually spread there at the end in some cancers), and then these changes can effect personality and behavior. This happened with a female relative of my husband's. After she passed away, credit card card bills came in with very strange spending patterns for her. It was shocking. Also, her personality got very dark at times towards the end, as if she were a different person and very hostile to her loved ones.
It was VERY hard hard on the family, even knowing that this was not really her. Sometimes it is like that at the end, so try to remember her before she got ill. That was the real person. Her judgement could have been very clouded by her illness those last few months.
You'll have to find out from the other women, but maybe she asked them not to bother you, and they wanted to honor her wishes and probably were confused by it all themselves.
Then maybe they were afraid to tell at some point. Hope it all works out!
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2008, 12:45:07 PM by Klondike »
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"Our country is now geared to an arms economy bred in an artificially induced psychosis of war hysteria and an incessant propaganda of fear."
--General Douglas MacArthur
"Fascism should rather be called corporatism, as it is the merging of government and corporate power." --Benito Mussolini
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kaffe
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« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2008, 02:00:31 AM » |
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oh Peg, I can just imagine your hurt and confusion and shock. I think some of the ideas suggested here amy really have come into play as to why you were kept in the dark about Kat's terminal illness. At the time it was going on, Kat knew you were very preoccupied with your fur family and no matter the snide comments, they all knew how emotionally and psychologically invested you are in your furry charges. Kat may simply not have wanted you to know about her own terminal illness at the time, but may have been planning to tell you about it eventually, but the cancer progressed too fast. I am almost certain that she asked the others not to tell you becuase that is the only "reasonable" reason why all three (?) did not let out a single word to alert you. Another "reason" may be that all three assumed you knew and did not want to talk about it. I say this becuase something like what happened to you happened to my cousins when their father died of cancer. We were adolescents then and lived together in a big compound. Their father contracted cancer of the liver and was bedridden for many months. I and my siblings knew that Uncle Henry was dying becuase we've overheard some of the grownups talking about it. But apparently, Unlce Henry's own kids did not know their father was dying - they just thought he was sick. I and my borthers and sisters just assumed that they knew what we knew and we never talked about it between ourselves! The day Uncle Henry died, we kids gathered together bemused and crying and I remember my cousin Diene yelling at me, "Why didn't you tell me that my father was going to die?!!!" All I could mumble was, "I thought you knew..."
As to those freinds avoiding your eye, that's probably becuase they feel somewhat guilty for leaving you in the dark like that...
Of course Peg, the only way to really find out is to ask one of them why you were never told of the real situation with Kat and why you were not contacted when she died. It oesn't have to be a confrontation... you are such a gentle person that I think you'll be able to get an answer from one of these women.
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"A righteous man respects the life of his animal, but the tender mercies of the wicked are cruel." (Prov. 12: 10)
"The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it" (Old Chinese Proverb)
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catmom5
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« Reply #6 on: May 17, 2008, 04:55:06 AM » |
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Oh Peg, I'm so sorry at the things that you've had to deal with. Like many others, I simply don't understand why someone would choose not to tell a friend something that important, or why the other women chose not to tell you of her death. People do "strange" things.
Three of us went through grad school together (in the 80s) and have stayed in touch, meeting monthly for a meal or play, etc. We have traveled, celebrated weddings, surgeries . . . you get the idea. A year ago we went to a play in Detroit and the following month two of us got a letter from the third saying that she couldn't continue our friendship, that she was surprised that we lasted that long, etc. No explanation, nothing! We respected her wishes and two of us continued to do things. About 6 months ago we two got notes saying the third friend missed us and was ready to see us again. WEIRD??
I don't think you did anything wrong and if they feel you did, they should have let you know at the time. IMHO the problem is theirs. I'm wondering if you were able to make a memorial to an organization that Kat would have approved of if that might make you feel as though you were memorializing her (if you wanted to do something).
Take care of yourself and those kiddens. I'll be looking for your next post, whenever you can do that.
Just know that we will keep you in our prayers and thoughts and send you lots of sunshine.
Blessings
catmom5
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shibadiva
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« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2008, 05:49:03 AM » |
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Peg, sometimes we'll never know what set someone off after a long friendship. Certainly in Kat's case, her illness could have played a part.
Several of us were close to a woman who developed breast cancer. I remember that she was very frustrated and angry at her body's betrayal and, as it progressed, there was more anger. For several weeks, I did not see her or hear from her. She wasn't returning calls. Finally, one day, a stranger picked up the phone at her place and informed me that her funeral had just taken place, and the apartment was being cleaned out.
It sounds as though there might be a benefit to clearing the air with the other women. It can't be pleasant for you to see them in the office building and not know why they are acting the way they are.
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A small body of determined spirits fired by an unquenchable faith in their mission can alter the course of history.
~~ Gandhi
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Carol
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« Reply #8 on: May 17, 2008, 05:52:48 AM » |
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we missed you Peg---no matter the reason you needed a break--it is okay and understood! No need for apology-- through thick and thin we are here together!  Carol x0x0 |
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« Last Edit: May 17, 2008, 06:27:08 AM by Carol »
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“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” — Margaret Mead
United we stand Divided we fall....
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trudy1
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« Reply #9 on: May 17, 2008, 06:05:52 AM » |
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Peg, I am so sorry . You are a very caring, and sensitive person, like me, and i would feel just like you do. hurt and confused.
Kat probably didn't want to hurt you more by going through all this. but you will have to confront the others and just ask why? Because I think you will feel so much better when you find out the answers.
You are a wonderful person.
So glad to have you back. We all care for you very much.
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3catkidneyfailure
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« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2008, 07:25:30 AM » |
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Peg, knowing you care so much about everyone, I kind of think Kat didn't want
to add to your burdens. I had a friend with breast cancer many years ago who
knew I had gone through the same thing. She did not want to bring it up for
me again, and I wasn't a part of the last part of her life. That still gives me
pause to this day, as I would have very much done anything for her, too. Kat
kind of made this decision for both of you, as did my friend. You might have
chosen to act differently, but you have to accept Kat's decision.
As for the other folks, I don't believe they understand what happened here.
If you choose to tell them at some point and they get it, fine. If they don't,
perhaps they're not really friends worth having after all.
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Arlo
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« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2008, 08:24:24 AM » |
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Peg, I agree with 3cat. I think Kat was trying to spare you. When people ask about it, you can tell them that. You had personal problems and she was trying not to hurt you. The other people? They feel guilty and you feel hurt. I agree with your DH that you should probably talk to them, but now is probably not the best time. I know how much the behind-the-back stuff can hurt. My wife wanted out of the hospital at the end (among other things they wouldn't let her say goodbye to the animals) so I took her home. I found out later that there was some horrible gossip that went on. A few friendships survived it and a few did not. I think the most important thing to remember is human beings are weird about death. They try to keep it at a distance and they will do things that are very hurtful. They don't mean it. You are a very good person and we care about you. And men try to give advice. It's what we do best. If you tell your DH he's right, but you're not ready yet, he'll be OK.
Peg, all our best to you and yours,
Arlo
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rom6
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« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2008, 01:13:27 PM » |
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Peg, you've gotten good advice from your friends here. I can't
think of anything to add. I agree that your co-workers are avoid-
ing you because they know they should have told you what was
happening. It would be nice to know exactly why Kat didn't want
you to know about her illness, but maybe only Kat had the answer
to that.
We're all glad you're back. You were missed.
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"Money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail." -Kinky Friedman
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catbird
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« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2008, 03:17:03 PM » |
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Peg, I can't begin to second-guess what anyone's motives may or may not have been--Kat's or anyone else's. People often do things, when confronted with illness and death, that we can never figure out. I am just sorry that you have had to go through so much heartache over this, because you are such a kind and caring person.
The main thing is that I am glad you and Rufus are OK, and hope that whatever is up with the others is "easy".
{{{hugs}}}
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"When Mother Nature saw fit to remove the tail of the Manx, she left, in place of the tail, more cat." --Mary Stewart
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5CatMom
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« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2008, 04:04:12 PM » |
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Peg,
Welcome back. Very sorry that you lost your friend, Kat. It does sound like she didn't want to burden you.
As for the others - likely they don't know that you didn't know, and they may have jumped to conclusions.
At any rate, they should have talked with you before getting "an attitude".
You did nothing wrong, and their treatment of you sounds unfair.
If you're up to it, you might try sending each a nice card explaining the situation, and suggesting another dinner.
Then, if they don't reach out to you - hummmmmmmm. Maybe some new friends would be refreshing!
5CatMom
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"What is man without the beasts? If the beasts were gone, men would die from a great loneliness of spirit. For whatever happens to the beasts, soon happens to man. All things are connected." Chief Seattle
"We are the caretakers of our creatures . . . the peacekeepers of our planet"
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