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Author Topic: If you are on a diet, don't open this thread  (Read 208575 times)
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caylee
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« Reply #855 on: September 12, 2010, 06:20:35 AM »

Alek - best of luck to you in your new home and in the future. Better now, as you said, than years later.

Hugs
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catbird
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Never underestimate the power of crazy cat ladies!


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« Reply #856 on: September 12, 2010, 06:29:32 AM »

alek, I'm sorry that you are having to go through this time of stress, but I do agree with others that sometimes relationships have a point when they need to end, and I applaud you for having the strength to end it.  Better days are around the corner, I'm sure.  And if you decide at some point that you want someone in your life again, there are many hard-working, kind, appreciative, adult men out there.

One day soon you can bake and decorate the cake that you want!  In that great new kitchen.
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The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer--Paula Poundstone
alek0
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« Reply #857 on: September 12, 2010, 08:18:02 AM »

Thank you all for your kind words.

I've been feeling rather sad today. He came back this evening to collect some stuff, and we've been talking together with a mutual friend. He is not a bad guy, just very immature. He is now reluctantly agreeing to counseling. I am not sure whether changes are possible at his age, and also not sure whether my frustrations with childish behavior have gone beyond the point of no return. I need to think about it carefully I guess. If there is any continuation of this, counseling is a must. I can accept him being childish or non-essential issues, but he does need to reconsider his priorities when it comes to survival matters (finances, property, work, health issues).

The best thing in his favor - he really loves cats. When I see expression on his face when he picks up Sophie I just melt. He even wipes her after she goes to the toilet "so that she wouldn't need to lick it". I always found that funny and cute. Although we don't necessarily agree about importance of high quality food, he loves them a lot.
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NedF
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« Reply #858 on: September 12, 2010, 08:32:16 AM »

If this doesn't cheer you up, nothing will!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TE2r0vjkXK0
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"It seems that some creatures have the capacity to fill spaces you never knew were empty."  - Jean-Luc Picard
mainecoonpeg
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« Reply #859 on: September 12, 2010, 09:43:04 AM »

Alex, I am keeping you both in my thoughts and sending good wishes that a resolution comes that will serve you both well and the kitties too.  {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
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catwoods
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« Reply #860 on: September 12, 2010, 01:54:08 PM »

Alek, adding my best wishes too as you go through this difficult process. Hopefully this shake up will be beneficial in working out the best possible way for everyone to go forward.

(I'm going to miss seeing the cakes, too.)
« Last Edit: September 12, 2010, 04:27:48 PM by catwoods » Logged
lesliek
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Trooper,Remy & Fragile


« Reply #861 on: September 12, 2010, 03:56:19 PM »

Maybe you asking him to leave was a wake up call ? I hope the counseling goes well, & if it doesn't at least you know you tried. Either way, keep standing up for what you want & think is important.
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"the world's most inept extortionist"
August
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« Reply #862 on: September 12, 2010, 04:38:19 PM »

Anyway, it sounds like a move forward and that's a whole lot better than staying stuck.

I hope things will smooth out and things will be more clear to both of you soon.
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Larges born 5/07
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alek0
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« Reply #863 on: September 12, 2010, 05:54:16 PM »

Thanks again. We are going to go ahead with sorting out the financial side in case the counseling doesn't work, he agreed to take over more of the household duties but in a different way (for example, I provide him with a weekly list of chores and don't ask if it has been done until the end of the week, since he is a procrastrinator and sees a simple question as nagging, this gives him a deadline so it will get done). He agreed to reconsider his Australia trip depending on the outcome of that water leakage issue in the new flat. After heavy rain, it seems that it is more extensive than we thought originally, we'll see about it today. It is amazing how much help a third person can be in sorting out arguments, she didn't allow him to sidetrack issues, since she is not emotionally involved she could calmly repeat important questions before I manage to lose my temper over constant twisting of words and going back to some insignificant little details.

Can you imagine that I was accused of being controlling for refusing to cut his hair to shoulder length. Even though I told him that his hair is his business, he can cut it whichever way he wants, but if I think something will have a bad result he doesn't have a right to make me do it for him, he should go to a hair stylist, I'll pay the bill. I don't see how am I controlling him or preventing him from doing it by not agreeing to cut his hair by myself, there are 3 stylists within 10 min walk from our place and if I pay the bill there are no additional expenses for him.
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JJ
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« Reply #864 on: September 12, 2010, 06:05:02 PM »

Refusing to cut hair is controlling - HUH? Don't get it. Now you telling him how, when, where and why he is getting a hair cut would be controlling. Your right - he should make the decision on his hair and walk to a stylist.
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May your troubles be less,
Your blessings be more,
And nothing but happiness
Come through your door
mainecoonpeg
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« Reply #865 on: September 12, 2010, 06:11:05 PM »

Alex, feel free to ignore this.
Why is BF not working?  By choice?
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merrihart
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« Reply #866 on: September 12, 2010, 06:52:52 PM »

I'm too polite to say what I'm thinking.  And I"m not very good at relationship stuff to begin with.  Just back me a jewish apple cake instead of him a carrot cake.   Grin
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alek0
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« Reply #867 on: September 12, 2010, 10:02:07 PM »

Alex, feel free to ignore this.
Why is BF not working?  By choice?

He went back to school to do a PhD, which left him with quite a bit of free time, especially in the last year which was part-time studying. Having a job is not an important issue, I can support both of us, but I need him to take over larger part of various errands/logistics/household chores issues. It is that simple. I don't mind being the breadwinner, as long as I don't have to do most of that arrange for this, arrange for that, take care of the grocery shopping etc. stuff. There is actually no cleaning since we have a part time domestic helper, the issue is that I don't want to have to go out fo work and then work late hours to make up for the lost time because he can't be at home for some repair or installation work because he "has to" go to the gym or whatever. I have gotten a bit tired of explaining that health, finances, property are issues which fall under "have to", leisure activities fall under "want to" category and they cannot be given the same or higher priority for any responsible adult person.
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bug
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RIP little angel Katey


« Reply #868 on: September 13, 2010, 12:03:24 PM »

Alek,

I admire you for giving some aspects of this relationship another shot, but here's what I've learned over the time I've been with a similar dh (whom I'm constantly saying is 14 years old):

1. They need to be financially responsible for something, even if they don't need to work, because otherwise they will turn you into their mother. Something about making money makes them feel more like a man. I think it's something society has bred into men. Even if he doesn't like working, he should get a job. What happens if you get sick for some time and your short or long-term disability runs out? What about unforseen expenses? What about those impromptu trips to wherever? You can't live that way even if you're telling yourself you can. You will get resentful. Trust me.

2. Men are not good at planning for things, running errands, chores, domestic stuff (except the true metrosexual and guys with OCD). No matter what kind of list you make for him, you will still be the b**ch at the end of the week when you check that he has done things (turning you into a mom again).

3. A man-child is not a turn-on and they are often more work than kids -- and that's why you and I have cats.

4. You will always feel like you're being taken for granted unless he contributes on his own. You don't want to be telling him to do things all the time.

If he loves you and the cats, he should be able to remove himself from the environment and the situation and start contributing from his new location. He can babysit the cats, help you with the flat, bring you take-out and coffee and take you places. When he can show you he is serious about working, has money in his bank account set aside for the both of you, can take his own clothes to the drycleaner and can cook you a meal, then, I'd start reconsidering. I find it interesting -- your comments about the cats -- like the beaten-down mom from the '50s staying with her husband because he's "good to the kids." What about you? What's in it for you? Where would you be in 10, 20, 30 years? You work hard for the things you have. Don't let the boy ride for free and regret it later.

I love my dh but there's been a lot of screaming and poking with a sharp stick to get him to do the things I've just talked about. He thought I was taking away his freedom when, actually, I was helping him increase his ability to do more of the things he likes through good time and financial management. At the same time, he understands that he needs to cook a meal now and then, do laundry, put the dishes away, edge the lawn and let me know where he is when he goes hunting. If we weren't married, he would have lived in his own apartment until these things were evened-up, then, I would have taken him back if the changes were sustainable for the long term.

You can't change people. They have to change themselves. He'll do it if he loves you and the cats and he'll do it for the long term if he really means it.

I wish you all the luck in the world. You sound like a strong person and I know you'll be OK.
« Last Edit: September 14, 2010, 08:59:38 AM by bug » Logged

My little babies, you'll always be in my heart. Mom will see you later. Look after each other, ok?
merrihart
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« Reply #869 on: September 13, 2010, 04:06:05 PM »

You can feel free not to read this:

Studies show that a couple who is not engaged by 5 years will not get married.


I don't know if that is what you guys are aiming for, but it's something to consider.  I read what you have said, and it seems like he is not serious about your relationship. 
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