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YesBiscuit!
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« Reply #15 on: September 12, 2008, 08:37:00 AM » |
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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women – she loved to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced
to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed
below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares.Get on it right away.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as
a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!' And last, but not least .
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here!'
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JJ
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« Reply #16 on: September 23, 2008, 09:35:33 PM » |
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YesBiscuit that made my day, very funny. Did you get that off a joke site - if so point me to it.
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'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the rain.'
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YesBiscuit!
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« Reply #17 on: September 24, 2008, 05:06:06 AM » |
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No that was an e-mail fwd.  |
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Poco
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« Reply #18 on: September 30, 2008, 12:27:56 AM » |
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A student wrote this letter to his home:
Dear Dad!
This $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. Mathematic$, a$tronomy, and economic$ are the $ubject$ I like. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a po$t card, a$ I would love to $ee $ome word$ from you.
$end it to me $oon,
Your $on
-----------------
A week later he received a letter from home:
Dear Son!
I kNOw that trigoNOmetry, astroNOmy, and ecoNOmics are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and kNOw that NO one can ever learn eNOugh.
Love,
Your NOt so kNOwledgeable Dad
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« Last Edit: September 30, 2008, 12:58:21 PM by Poco »
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JJ
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« Reply #19 on: September 30, 2008, 10:27:33 PM » |
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Poco great play on symbols and words.
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'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the rain.'
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Poco
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« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2008, 10:43:57 PM » |
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mainecoonpeg
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« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2008, 01:14:01 PM » |
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> If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a
> tray, because you are dead.
>
> Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
> vehicle...From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a
> Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car
> break down in the parking lot.
>
> The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car
> in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near
> the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
> under the chassis.
>
> Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private
> parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she
> dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
> everything back into place.
>
> She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd. She looked
> across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who had been
> standing idly by.
>
> The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead!
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If cats could talk......They wouldn't
Tortie cats are like Almond Joys........Very sweet and a little nuts
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mainecoonpeg
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« Reply #22 on: October 06, 2008, 01:18:56 PM » |
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Good Puns-
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on ahead.'
12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
16. Don't join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!
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If cats could talk......They wouldn't
Tortie cats are like Almond Joys........Very sweet and a little nuts
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mainecoonpeg
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« Reply #24 on: October 06, 2008, 03:38:55 PM » |
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Vincent Van Gogh's Family tree
The dizzy aunt ------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -----Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store---Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -----Chica Gogh
His magician uncle ----Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -----A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother----Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach-----Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------Can' t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt----Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------Fla min Gogh
The fruit loving cousin------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking-----Way to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew-----Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco-----Go Gogh
His niece who travels the country in an RV--- Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling - there ya Gogh !
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If cats could talk......They wouldn't
Tortie cats are like Almond Joys........Very sweet and a little nuts
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JJ
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« Reply #25 on: October 06, 2008, 08:03:52 PM » |
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Thx Peg - these are great. We all need a good laugh  |
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'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the rain.'
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