I know many of us here who have lost a beloved pet have had dreams of them. I thought I'd share some of my dreams over the months that featured Kaffe. The anniversary of the most terrible day of his passing i coming nigh - October 8. I guess, this thread is a coping mechanism to what I fear will engulf me emotionally in to weeks' time. Would you bear with my silliness? If not, you don't need to read this thread. Really.
I'm lifting this straight from my diary.
Oct 8, 2008The angels came to take Kaffe. Oh my heart, my heart... grief and joy co-migled... how can my heart bear these deep emotions?
October 12, SundayI woke up at a little past 2am – I had been dreaming or rather thinking of Kaffe – he was in my sleeping thoughts ... I went to the bathroom and that was when I noticed the smell of Kaffe’s pee on me... I returned to my room and cried. I think now that Kaffe manifested his presence with us last night by way of the pee scent... and woke me up at about that time of the night I used to need to wake up to feed him... I have been feeling in some strange way that Kaffe is with me or rather, he isn’t truly “gone” as in “no more.” It is more in my spirit than in my emotions or physical sensations... The theme song of Titanic was also in my mind last night: “Everynight I see you, I feel you... I hear you...” Is Kaffe telling me that he is with me every night as he has been over the years?
Teusday October 21I suddenly woke up sometime very early in the morning - perhaps at 4 or 5 am - from a very deep sleep. What woke me up was a felt and heard soft “thump” – the sound which the cats make when they jump on my bed. I thought it must be Cato, coming in through the window from the garden outside. But there was no Cato.
Wednesday, Oct 29 2008I saw Kaffe! Yes – it was in a dream, but a dream without dreamscape, rather in a landscape real and familiar. It was in the early morning hours that I saw the dream-vision- at almost 7am. In the dreamvision, I was going to take Pudgy, my brother’s dog for a walk. We were going to go out by the garden side-gate where I almost always go out by myself to take walks. I was on my way towards the gate, Pudgy’s leash in my hand and Pudgy walking slightly behind me when I suddenly saw Kaffe. He was curled up on the ground in a laying, sit position, on his left side right at the corner of the fencing. His was holding his head up but his eyes were slitted close – like he was in a rest-wait position. He looked well and healthy, chubby and content. His fur was thick and colors vivid. The vision was so clear!!! I stopped when I saw him and realizing that I had Pudgy with me, I backed away slowly before the little dog notices Kaffe and starts to bark. I didn’t want the dog to disturb Kaffe or come face to face with him. He didn’t. Then I woke up. This is the first really clear dream I have had of Kaffe since his passing. I feel that the vision was given to me. So it is true! Kaffe is with me and he sometimes goes with me on my solitary walks! I have felt him and I also have talked with him during those walks!
Sunday, Nov 16I saw and held Kaffe! In a dream. I was walking around a place with buildings, entered one when I looked up at ceiling (which was 10 stories above) and noticed that a corner of it was on fire. The ceiling looked like clouds. I warned the people around me. With some urgency, I walked out of the building with the intention of going to a vet clinic I saw nearby to warn them of the fire so they can evacuate the animals. Suddenly I was holding Cato in my arms and he was inside a protective net. I opened the vet clinic’s sliding doors and proceeded to talk to the 2 or 3 people there. I remember at least two women and they asked me if I wanted a checkup for Cato. I said “No” and began to tell them of the fire. Then I looked down to my right and saw an orange and white cat sitting on the floor quietly gazing out the glass floor to ceiling windows – like one of those kitties that vets bring with them to their clinics as “mastiffs.” I moved closer, and bent down to pet the cat saying, “He looks just like Kaffe.” Then I stroked the cat’s back and moved to the tail. In surprise, I saw and felt that the tail was truncated and bent at the tip. I said in wonderment: “Its Kaffe!” And indeed it was! I knelt and scooped him up in my arms and laid him against my chest and shoulders, stroking and petting and hugging and kissing him, saying” “Oh, Kaffe, Kaffe, Kaffe...” I was so happy and amazed! I heard one of the vet women say, “But there’s nothing there!” Then I realized that I alone could see and feel Kaffe. Then I realized that Cato might escape, so I fixed his netting... then I woke up with the thought that Kaffe is telling me those times I felt his presence and petted the air and “pretended he was in my arms were real manifestations of his presence.
December 3, WednesdayThis is the 8th week since Kaffe’s passing. I woke up with my dream still very fresh in my mind. It was about Kaffe. In the dream, Kaffe was somehow brought back to how he was during his last weeks by some kind of technology at the vet office. I spoke with the vet who last saw Kaffe and again consulted with her. I asked if she could guide me into feeling the mass in Kaffe's tummy and I tried to feel it myself, but Kaffe’s body was strangely as small as a kitten’s. She said “OK” but did not show me... She again shook her head saying nothing could be done. Then I asked if surgery was an option ... I asked to spend more time with Kaffe and she said again “That’s OK.” The vet tech who was attending said, “They always ask for more time the second time around...” I bent my face to Kaffe’s and said to him “You’re going to Jesus, Kaffe... I love you very very much...” and then groped for more to say.... then I put Kaffe in a very small crate and told him to wait for me as I went back to consult with the vet again. She was busy lecturing and talking with people. I waited until she was finished. When she was, I again began to consult with her about Kaffe... this time she had a male colleague with her – a younger vet – and he said, “perhaps we could do an exploratory surgery under light anesthesia”... he said this even as I understood that it was just to buy Kaffe a little more time... I asked them if Kaffe should have pain killers prescribed just in case he has any pain... then I went outside and saw Kaffe. I knew where we were – outside in my patio at Gracehouse, and Kaffe was at the concrete pavement by the faucet, licking the ground for some water. I remember feeling pleased that he was licking and trying to drink again because he would not do that the last weeks of his life. I hurried to give him water from a bowl I filled up from the tap. Kaffe was eagerly waiting for it. He was very thirsty. When I set the bowl down, Kaffe began to drink and then suddenly, the bowl became a small pool and Kaffe was both drinking in it and swimming in it – he seemed to be reveling in the water. There was a bit of cat food floating in the water too and Kaffe ate that as I recall. I was also quite happy and pleased in the dream to see Kaffe swimming and reveling in the water! Not only was he drinking to quench his thirst, he was immersed in the water.
I woke up thinking this dream must be from my subconscious questioning whether more could have been done for Kaffe... I was reading about some people’s feelings of guilt after they had decided to let go of their cats. I have questioned myself about this before and after I decided to let go of Kaffe and I always end up concluding that it was the right decision and what needed to be done for him. I don’t feel any guilt for the decision... just regrets that he developed cancer and regret that I could not provide for him a stable, stress-free home and instead, had to drag him around with me from Manila to LA and then all over the US. My regret is that I did not know much about feline nutrition when he was younger and that I don’t have a forever home of my own where he could have lived out his life stress-free. That is what I regret most – no home of my own to offer him or any of my pets. For the rest, I know that I did everything that was in my power and within my resources. In fact, I spent more for Kaffe then either for myself or grandsons... so, no guilt there and certainly, I do not regret spending all I did on him.
The swimming in water is a familiar dream too – I dreamt a similar thing with Pezza... what does swimming in water mean? Water usually means “life.” Are these dreams saying that they are “in life”? or that they are alive somewhere and reveling in life? Perhaps... I do believe that these cats of mine are alive somewhere in the Spirit and that I will see them again “in just a little while.”
December 16 TuesdayA sunny yard in Gracehouse. I saw Kaffe in living colors happily trotting along the perimeter of the old adobe wall-fence, sniffing all the familiar scents. Cato was around too I knew, somewhere... There was a part I had to stop Kaffe from digging himself into a horizontal gap under the turf – apparently, they liked to hide inside there... but Kaffe was very happy to be back home, I could see!
December 19, FridayI saw a bird’s eye view of a huge swimming pool – so bright and blue in intense sunshine. It was apparently a picture I took a few days before we had to leave our “home.” I wanted a picture of the boys – Tony and Nicholas in the gigantic pool ad had told the rest of the people who were enjying it to please leave while I take the picture. But I had inadvertently caught Kaffe in the shot. On one end of the huge pool was a waterfall and Tony and Nicholas were on either side of it. At the other end of the pool was Kaffe. He was wading or walking “knee deep” in the water and I thought he was there to drink. I said, “It’s Kaffe!” and I “willed” the camera to zoom in on him. The picture panned in and Kaffe was moving – like in a video. There were little critters in the water – shrimps – and Kaffe was playing with them – batting them with his paw. I said, “He was already sick here” becuase the picture was supposed to be in the past...
Most memorable in this dream was the vividness of the huge pool – the color and that I seemed to be looking at it from a great great distance.
Jan 9 FridayI dreamt that I was playing with Kaffe. I was very happy.
Monday, Jan 19, 2009I dreamt of Kaffe. He seemed ethereal in this dream. But I saw him sleeping peacefully and luxuriently on a very very clean, shiny red floor – like the red cement floor which we used to have in Gracehouse, but this floor was newly cleaned and polished to perfection and it was bright red. It smelled good. And Kaffe was laid down on it, the way he use to like to lay down on cool cement floors on a hot day. He rolled around a few times and I bolstered his side in case he might fall off the platform floor.
January 25, SundayI dreamt of Kaffe. At first he was in his own body. We were in an upper room – maybe 3 floors up. I closed one window to keep him in but he climbed up to the upper window and jumped down 3 floors to the grass-covered yard. He landed on his feet and I thought, “Oh, no – he’ll hurt his back legs again. At this point, Kaffe seemed to have “borrowed” some other cat’s body and it was thinner than his own body at his peak. I hurried down to get him because there was another cat – a grey one – that I thought was about to attack him. When I got down, Kaffe was standing in a very shallow stream bed and the grey cat was hesitating whether to attack him or not. I thought Kaffe was borrowing Cato’s body... very strange.
Sunday, Feb, 8I dreamt of Kaffe last night – well, he was in my dreams – so were Cato, 2 other black kitties, and a lot of people. I had this BIG garage, one side of which was fixed as a classroom for Tony, Nicholas and Veronica. Veronica had donated 3 desks to replace the small ones I had and I was cleaning the big one. It occurred to me to go pick up after my cats – especially their poopies. I told Monica that there were two other black cats in the yard beside Cato. Then I wondered where Kaffe was since I had not seen him apparently all day. So I called him: “Kaaa-fffeee, Kaa-ffeee....” and then he came out from where he was sleeping all day. He stopped and began to sneeze and snort out phlegm. I thought to myself: “He caught a cold because of the weathr... but L-lysine will fix that...” Then he seemed to have cleared his nose and trotted up to me. I picked him up and showed him to Meng (Soledad, my former nanny). At first Kaffe was shy, but he smiled a little at Meng before putting his arms out to be carried. Meng took him in her arms and began to cradle and rock him the way she used to cradle and rock me as a baby – hard flat against her chest...
Thursday, March 12I was in and out of a house here in Colma, preparing to go somewhere with Mandy. I had to get my cats indoors because it was raining. I walked down the middle of the street and found Kaffe sitting loaf-position in the middle of a pot hole filled with water. I was concerned because I thought he was still sick; but He didn’t seem to mind the rain or the water and with a feeling of relief, I picked him up, took him indoors and with two face towels, proceeded to dry his hind quarters and back. I went out again to retrieve my other cats and as I opened the door, Cato dashed out... I saw that the other two cats that belonged to me where calmly sitting by a wall... I considered whether to leave them outside but thought to myself that I will feel better if I had all of them inside the house while I was gone.
Wednesday, March 18I dreamt that I was searching for Kaffe in Kim’s house. I couldn’t find him. I was sad when I woke up.
Thursday, March 19I dreamt that I found Kaffe... that he had returned to where I would find him: beside a chainlink fence with bushes. I took him to the “apartment” room I had in Gracehouse. He seemed to be interested in scaling the big windows, which I noticed he could climb out of (the top portion). I secured them so he won’t be able to escape. I remember that after I had found him, some people were asking me if I was sure it was him – but I knew it was Kaffe: truncated tail, short orange and white fur – I know him. I even remember caressing the tip of his truncated tail in the dream. I felt better waking up!
Saturday, March 21I dreamt of Kaffe again. There were critters in the ground and I “dug” them up by lifting the top ground like a blanket. They were asleep and there were so many of these things that looked like otters, but with lobster tails. I picked out all the blue ones. I took one to Kaffe and presented it to him tail first. Kaffe sniffed and began to eat it.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009Six months ago today, my heart, I held your warm body for the last time; kissed your moist nose for the last time; caressed your eyes, ears, cheeks, neck for the last time; held your paws for the last time; tickled your truncated tail for the last time; laid my forehead against yours for the last time; and ran over every inch of you with all my senses, memorizing every contour and texture. I love you my sweetest-heart - always will.
[to be continued]
