mgt..I know you understand .
And I appreciate your comments.
I have been thinking of Chucky all day.Tomorrow  he will be gone 14 months, yet it seems like only yesterday he was here with me napping with his head on my lap as I read.
I wrote this about him a few months ago on one of those ugly sad days that I missed him so much I could not stand it.

HEART-STARS AND UNIVERSE......
My  broken heart is the stars and  Chucky ,you hold them in your universe. You cradle those stars and I see them blink as you gather them up and hold them to your heart.I have not been myself. I am actually beside myself, abandoned and isolated inside some strange quiet place where the heaviness of my heart encompasses me . My brain is playing and replaying some sort of l electric flashes of Chucky 's last days and even more cruelly his last hours. Over and over it plays, a broken circuit that only plays this last thread of Chucky's life.
I am frozen in place. my Chucky is all around me but I can not touch him. Today on a sunday on the 13th of May 11 months ago this morning we watched him struggle then leave.
I can feel my heart breaking into tiny little diamonds and i see them float to become stars. my broken heart has become the stars and Chucky my universe has gone away with those stars
i am crying crying crying. I see Eric is standing staring at his grave we have no words left to give each other. How can two people be so lost at the death of a goat? Because he was never a goat. He has always simply been Chucky, our little goat-son. My dear friend. We loved him, cherished him . He changed our lives and we are enriched because him.
I can not call sisters or friends to comfort us. Chucky has been dead to them for along time. There is no understanding of the intense emotions of loss and sadness we feel. We are alone .
Spring is here and blossoms on the dogwood make me turn my face away. you were here last time they bloomed. I see you walking , shuffling trying to avoid the catheter, grunting, standin like a statue waiting for the pain to pass then shuffling off again. I had the camera. I got a few pics. I knew we were getting close to the end. You were not yourself, yet I remember your smile and you pressing your heard in my lap.You were still bossing the Gang around and claiming your spot on the porch.
But now as the grass gets green and the blossoms burst , , .I  feel the acuteness of your loss. Spring without you is not right. it is wrong, Death all wrapped up in blossoms and sweet scents and lush grass. It is not right for Eric and I . the gray and dark of winter was more fitting....more comforting.
Chucky you are this place. We talked of giving it up , moving, a fresh start...we spoke that we could never recapture our joy here . But you are here , everywhere i look I see you . In Bobs face, in the lumps of rock you chewede on, the woods we walked in, the storm doors you broke. You are here in the keaves and grass. Leaving here would be like leaving you all over again. We can't do that. So help us Chucky help us see the beauty of springs rebirth, the joy of life. help us dear boy get past this. Show me the twinkling stars, the black sky..make me really see the tender blue of morning skys and smell the sweet lilacs I so love. Remind me sweet baby that my universe is still here and that if I want my stars I have only to reach up for them.
We love you Chucky.
I know you are saying 'Suck it up Mommy, get a grip".. I will try Chucky I really will. Sometimes we just have to fall apart to come back together  again.

Pygmypets, how very touching and straight from the heart.  Big hugs coming your way!   

Pygmypets, I think we all "gear up" to be strong when we have the "anniversary" or birthday or something very special coming up regarding our beloved lost ones...but I find what gets me the most is something very unexpected...those are the hardest days to get through...hugs to you...I do feel your loss...